Inspirational (Really funny ones at the bottom!)

"Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has many, not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some."

- Charles Dickens

"What I have now, I know that no army can take from me. I have myself." - Michael J Fox

"By being yourself, you put something wonderful in the world that was not there before." - Edwin Elliot

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life; define yourself." - Harvey Fierstein

Learned From Kids
*If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing puppy underwear and a Superman cape.
*A ceiling fan IS strong enough to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 foot room.
*When you hear the toilet flush AND the word's "uh-oh",it's already too late.
*Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke - LOTS OF SMOKE.
*A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
*If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - IT EXPLODES!
*LEGOs WILL pass though the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
*Super glue is forever.
*No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
*Pool filters are not designed for Jell-O.
*VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches.
*ALWAYS look in the oven before you turn it on.
*The fire department has at least a 3-minute response time.
*The spin cycle makes cats dizzy.
*Cats throw-up twice their body weight when dizzy.

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
5) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it IN.
6) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
7) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
8) Remove a key from your keyboard, and type without it. See how many words you can't type.
9) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
10) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
11) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
12) Dont use any punctuation
13) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
14) Ask people what sex they are.
15) Specify that your drive-through order is to go.
16) Sing along at the opera.
17) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
18) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
19) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
20) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
21) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
22) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
23) Call the psychic hotline and just say, Guess.
24) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
25) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
26) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
27) Tell your boss, Its not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do.
28) Tell your children over dinner "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
29) Every time you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here."

Cynic's Guide To Life
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later,you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is".
10. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indianburn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up

State Mottos
Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat!

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
As Seen on TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:
Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota:
"10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes"

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Easy Women and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Wanna Motto? I Got Yer Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...

North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!

Ohio:
We Wish We Were In Michigan

Oklahoma:
Like the Play, only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin:
Eat chesse or die

Wyoming:
Wynot